May 24, 2023

By Liz Downey, MS, NCC, LCMHCA

Pregnancy loss is a common, if often unspoken, occurrence that affects up to 30% of pregnancies, with most miscarriages taking place in the first trimester (first 12 weeks.) If you have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth, finding out that you are pregnant again can bring up a host of emotions – excitement, fear, apprehension, or grief, to name just a few. Many women who have miscarried can experience increased worry throughout their pregnancy. They may be anxious ahead of certain dates or milestones; for example, around the gestational age when the miscarriage happened. They may also develop a hyperawareness about their body, trying to discern if symptoms such as spotting or cramping are normal or something to be concerned about. If you are pregnant following a loss, here are a few ways to calm your anxious thoughts:

1. Focus on the present moment.

   Anxiety can cause a swirl of “what if” thoughts, also known as catastrophizing. You may think that if you can anticipate all that can go wrong you will feel in control and won’t be caught by surprise. Unfortunately, this doesn’t really help to alleviate future hurt but instead increases current distress. While there’s no way to know what the next weeks of your pregnancy may hold, you can focus on the here and now and work to be present using grounding techniques.

   Here are some to try:

   Mindful walk: As you go for a walk outside, can you notice the different textures and colors of the trees, the sounds of birds chirping, or the feel of your feet on the pavement? Bring your attention to the sights, smells, and sounds around you.

   Box breathing: Try this simple breathing technique to regulate the nervous system. Breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, breathe out for 4 counts, and hold for 4 counts. Repeat this as often as needed.

   Distraction: Try calling a friend, watching a comforting show, listening to music, or changing your environment by getting outside or moving to a different room.

2. Remind yourself there is no “right” way to feel and be gentle with yourself.

   Unfortunately, our culture doesn’t always handle grief and loss well, so you might feel that others expect you to “move on” or experience only happiness or thankfulness that you’re expecting. This can produce a tremendous amount of guilt if you do not feel excited about your pregnancy. Whatever emotions you are experiencing are okay! When you notice a feeling arising, try to respond the way you would towards a dear friend. Don’t judge the validity of your emotions or try to stuff them down. Instead, notice and acknowledge them. Try repeating an affirmation that may resonate with you, such as “this feeling is allowed,” “I am safe in this moment,” or “I am choosing to be present.”

3. Engage support.

   If your anxiety is beginning to interfere with your daily functioning or causing significant distress, it would be helpful to seek out treatment from a licensed therapist. In addition to therapy, support groups can provide a safe place to process with others undergoing similar experiences. Postpartum Support International is a great resource which hosts free online support groups weekly, including groups specifically for Pregnancy After Loss support, Early Pregnancy Loss support, and Stillbirth or Infant Loss support.

Though pregnancy following a loss can feel overwhelming and scary, remember that you do not have to struggle through it alone.