July 18, 2023

By Heather Jones, MA, LCMHCA

Grief is a universal experience, one that all encounter.  At some point, we will face the death of someone we love and confront the face of our own mortality. However, grief still seems for most to lurk in an unwelcome shroud of silence. Renowned grief expert David Kessler defines grief as "the internal process of loss." While the word is often spoken about someone's physical death, we encounter numerous other losses as we move through life.

Dr. Pauline Boss created the term ambiguous loss in the 1970s. She recently wrote a book called The Myth of Closure: Ambiguous Loss in a Time of Pandemic and Change. Boss describes ambiguous loss as "one that defies human expectations and often goes without societal acknowledgment or space for healing.” The pandemic is a relatable example of a universal experience that resulted in physical loss and others that are less defined. 

As therapists, we sit with those suffering significant losses every day. It is essential to acknowledge that word grief can and should be applied to multiple situations outside of death. There is beauty in the acknowledgment of loss. Therapists often say, "Name it to tame it and feel it to heal." Although these two phrases are trite, they are also simple, profound truths. By identifying our experience, we can provide self-compassion, remove rigidity and avoidance, and create space to experience the deep feelings related to our losses.  

In Francis Weller's book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief, he states that in our culture's emphasis on accomplishments and goals, taking the time to grieve feels like failing. We want growth in our portfolios, work capacity, fitness, and movement toward client treatment goals. But what happens if we stop pathologizing pain and get comfortable with the "landscape of loss"? It could be that paradoxically, embracing the edge of sorrow and carrying it through our lives actually deepens our ability to live fully. Will our acknowledgment that EVERYTHING we love is also something we will one day lose allow us to embrace the wide gamut of emotion? Weller writes, “Grief and love are sisters, woven together from the beginning. Their kinship reminds us that no love does not contain loss and no loss is not a reminder of the love we carry for what we once held close."  

With all of the many sorrows we face, how can we carry the acknowledgment of our experience with space and compassion? What practical ways exist to experience the shadow but live in the light? David Kessler’s new book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, suggests that there is significant power in not finding closure as most scholars of the past may have suggested. Instead, he purposes an allowance to let the grief travel as part of us. We are not separate from our experiences, but they are what shape and define us. This integration helps us to create meaning from how the loss has shaped us. It propels us forward with a more profound capacity to share empathy with others and ourselves. In essence, we can participate in collective healing by acknowledging, experiencing, and then sharing our experiences or lost loved ones with others. Our rigidity and inflexibility to avoid humanity's discomfort often separate us from others. Let us focus on space for grief, acknowledging our experiences, creating meaning, and sharing with our communities. Kessler states, “Each person's grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed.”