Kick Starting the New Year with Connection - Couples Edition
By Maryann Garcia, LCMHCA
We can all relate to the hopefulness that the New Year brings to those areas that we've long been putting off dedicating the focus that would bring us closer to our goals. Intentionality can be short-lived if we don't have a plan or are uncertain about how to make progress.
For many relationships, especially intimate ones, they can start to feel distant and can be riddled with unspoken tension as the stresses of life creep in. While our romantic relationships often start with a lot of passion and exciting intimacy, that excitement can fade over time. "Roommate syndrome" is the term used to describe this dynamic in couples where the relationship has become an arrangement and lacks romantic love and affection.
One strategy to combat this common relational complaint comes from the Gottman Institute, and is called Rituals of Connection. It is backed by significant research showing that couples who practice it increase their connection and reduce overall tension. Who wouldn't want to jump on that bandwagon this New Year?
WHAT? In the business of life, it is easy to miss each other and inadvertently miss daily opportunities to enjoy each other's company. With that in mind, it is helpful to create rituals of connection. A ritual is a meaningful series of actions or type of behavior regularly followed. According to the Gottman Institute, rituals of connection are consistent moments couples can count on to sync up, engage with one another, and build meaning.
WHEN? Creating a solid set of rituals of connection can take time. Couples can set aside time to discuss a couple areas they'd like to focus on, starting with simple daily rituals and work their way into weekly, monthly, and yearly rituals.
HOW? Rituals of Connection are built from conversations about how couples would like to connect. Examples from daily activities can be how you say goodbye when leaving for work in the morning, to less frequent events such as how you like to be taken care of when you are sick. Couples, many times, take for granted that the other person will just "know" how to celebrate their birthday. Unfortunately, this expectation is unrealistic and can lead to frustration and disappointment. Fleshing out what each ritual should look like may take time, but is a worthy investment.
Sample Rituals to Consider for discussion:
Reuniting at the end of the day
Having coffee together in the quiet mornings
Exercise together or taking a morning/nightly walk
Celebrating Holidays
Mealtimes without screens or distractions
Family Traditions
Dates/Getaways
Helpful questions to ask each other about different scenarios include:
When will it happen?
How often? How long will it last?
Where?
Who will initiate it?
How will it unfold?
How will it end?
Engaging in these conversations to learn about your partner and establish rituals of connection is really just the start of deepening connection within a relationship.
The connection that comes as a result of following through on these rituals is a byproduct of the time invested in your partner demonstrating curiosity and value towards their needs. Rituals help loved ones bond. The more shared meaning you create, the deeper and more rewarding your connection will be.
For more information on Rituals of Connection, check out the following blogs and podcast.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-rituals-reconnect-relationship/
