Navigating the Holidays While You’re Grieving
By Liz Downey, MS, NCC, LCMHCA
As the days are getting shorter and the weather cooler, our thoughts inevitably turn to the upcoming holidays. While this time can be full of fun, good food, and connection, it can be one of the most challenging seasons for those who are grieving. Whether you are struggling with the loss of a loved one, grieving unmet hopes, or mourning broken relationships, here are a few suggestions to help you navigate the next months.
Engage your feelings without judgment.
We may experience internal or external pressure to “jolly” ourselves into feeling happy during the holidays. Sometimes even pleasurable feelings can elicit self-judgment (thoughts like, “I shouldn’t be having fun when my loved one has died.”) First, acknowledge that it is okay to feel lonely, sad, angry, or any number of emotions. Emotions are not inherently good or bad, they are simply sources of information. Try to respond to your feelings with observation and self-compassion. Remind yourself that there is space for multiple feelings to exist and the presence of one emotion does not negate that of another. There is no one way to grieve, and it is not a linear step-by-step progression but instead a journey.
Reach out to those who can support you and set expectations.
When we are grieving, we may want to isolate ourselves, thinking “no one understands what I’m going through.” This desire to step back can be exacerbated by well-meaning but unhelpful comments from others. However, social connectedness is integral to the journey through grief. As Dr. Pauline Boss says, “the intervention for sadness is human connection…if you isolate yourself, it’s dangerous for your health.” Find a few trusted family members, friends, or clergy you feel comfortable being honest with. Practice expressing your needs to them; for example, saying “I really need a space to cry and process my feelings, but I’d prefer not to get any advice at this time.” Allow yourself the option to be flexible with commitments and to set expectations with others about your emotional capacity. Some days attending a holiday party may feel energizing, but on other days it could be overwhelming.
Prioritize self-care.
Grief can be incredibly fatiguing, and lack of sleep, increased alcohol consumption, and excessive busyness can further diminish our capacity to tolerate distressing emotions and engage with helpful coping skills. Before the holiday season starts, try to identify your top priorities and where you can take a step back or say no. Can you schedule in little moments to relax your body and mind, even if that’s just 10 minutes to walk outside in between activities?
Consider the importance of ritual.
Give yourself permission to mark your loss in away that feels meaningful, whether that is laughing at stories of the deceased with others or incorporating holiday traditions you used to share. Just because someone is no longer physically present doesn’t mean that our attachment to and love for them has ended. That bond continues, and can be nurtured through talking about them, writing a letter to them, or keeping photos or mementos out in the open. Recognize that what feels comforting to you may be different from the way family members or friends choose to mark the loss, and that’s okay. As noted above, there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve.
Be kind to yourself as you journey through the holidays in grief. If you need professional support, consider reaching out to a counselor or joining a support group with others who are grieving, such as Griefshare or The Compassionate Friends (for the loss of a child.)
Some recommended resources:
Clarissa Moll writes about her experience from a Christian perspective losing her husband suddenly in her book Beyond the Darkness: A Gentle Guide to Living with Grief and Thriving After Loss. She offers practical tips for managing grief through her Instagram account and newsletter as well.
A few other helpful books on grief for those of any or no faith practice are Grief is Love by Marisa Renee Lee It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine.
Recommended podcasts:
How to Navigate the Path of Grief with Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
How to Embrace Life’s Paradoxes with Rosemerry Wahtola-Trommer
The Myth of Closure and Understanding Ambiguous Loss with Dr. Pauline Boss
